Tag Archives: humour

New words, for all of you:

Orstraylian
> The following are results from an OZ-words Competition
> where entrants were asked to take an Australian word,
> alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.
>Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand, but I hope you will have a go, even without an    >Aussie background. Good luck! Am including a loose translation of colloquial words so you may all enjoy the humour.
>
> Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

(Billabong: a water hole. Bonk: to have sex).
>
> Bludgie: a partner who doesn’t work, but is kept as a pet

(Budgie: a pet bird. Bludge: a lazy person).
>
> Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact

(Didgeridoo: an Aboriginal wind instrument. Dodgy: tricky).
>
> Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine

(Dinkum: true, honest).
>
> Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle

(Platypus: Australian, amphibious, egg-laying monotreme).
>
> Mateshit: all your flat mate’s belongings, lying strewn around the floor

(mate: friend. Shit: has many meanings, in this case, I think it speaks for itself).
>
> Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans

(Yabbie: Australian freshwater crustacean. Gabble: unintelligible language).
>
> Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he’s above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub

(Bushwalker: someone who walks in the bush. Wanker: to maintain an illusion, deceive oneself or masturbate).
>
> Crackie-daks: ‘hipster’ tracksuit pants.

(Crack: backside fissure. Daks: tracksuit pants).ATT000098

Facebook:

This is another e-mail I felt had to be shared, hope you enjoy it!

PRESENTLY, I AM TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF FACEBOOK WHILST APPLYING THE SAME PRINCIPLES.

THEREFORE, EVERY DAY I GO DOWN THE STREET AND TELL THE PASSERSBY WHAT I HAVE EATEN, HOW I FEEL, WHAT I HAVE DONE THE NIGHT BEFORE, AND WHAT I
WILL DO AFTER.

I GIVE THEM PICTURES OF MY WIFE, MY DAUGHTER, MY DOG AND ME GARDENING AND SPENDING TIME IN MY POOL.

I ALSO LISTEN TO THEIR CONVERSATIONS AND I TELL THEM I LOVE THEM………

AND IT WORKS. I ALREADY HAVE 3 PERSONS FOLLOWING ME :

 

2 POLICE OFFICERS AND A PSYCHIATRIST.

=

Fairies

40 years of marriage ….

A married
couple in their early 60’s were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet
beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around
the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I’m
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and
poof!…
The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who
are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female …..

For any WOMAN WHO NEEDS
A GOOD LAUGH ..
AND TO ANY
MAN WHO CAN
HANDLE IT!

What love means to 4-8 year old children:

Friends send e-mails and I feel it’s good to share them, if they are worthy. You may have seen this before, but if you haven’t, slow down for three minutes to read this, it is worth it.        Touching words from the mouths of babes..

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds ,

‘What does love mean?’
The answers they got were broader, deeper,
and more profound than anyone could have ever imagined!                                                        See what you think:
‘When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time , even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’

Rebecca- age 8

‘When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’

Billy – age 4

‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne
and they go out and smell each other.’

Karl – age 5

‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries
without making them give you any of theirs.’

Chrissy – age 6

‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’

Terri –
age 4

‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.’

Danny – age 7

‘Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing , you
still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss.’

Emily – age 8

‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and just listen.’

Bobby – age 7
(Wow!)

‘If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend who you hate. ‘

Nikka – age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka’s on
this planet)

‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.’

Noelle
– age 7

‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well.’

Tommy – age 6

‘During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the
people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’

Cindy – age 8

‘My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’

Clare – age 6

‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’

Elaine-age 5

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and
still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’

Chris – age 7

‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day.’

Mary Ann – age 4

‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes
and has to go out and buy new ones.’

Lauren – age 4
‘When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you.’ (what an image)

Karen – age 7

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think
it’s gross..’

Mark – age 6

‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it.
But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’

Jessica – age 8

And the final one:

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry , the
little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard , climbed onto his
lap , and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour , the little boy said ,                      ‘Nothing , I just helped him cry’
************************

Keeping up with new technology:

A dear friend sent me this helpful e-mail. I just thought it might appeal to a few of you who are beginning to age.

USB-stick for seniors
Soon it will be compulsory for the elderly to not only carry their ID with them, but also their insurance papers, their list of medication and a compact version of their medical history, their views about resuscitation after a cardiac arrest etc, etc.

So, when an older person wants to go out he or she will need to carry a lot of paperwork!!

That is why there has been developed a special USB stick for seniors.
Have a look – – – – – –
Available soon, but only on prescription!

This way you always have your USB handy….

Please scroll down:

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I know what Gerard is going to say. He’ll have to think of somewhere else to keep his!! 🙂