THE END IS NEAR:

Daily Post: Whoa! by Michelle W.

What’s the most surreal experience you’ve ever had?

Since I haven’t something personal for the daily prompt today I’d like to share the following joke that was sent by a friend by e-mail which sort of fits:

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in western Newfoundland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:

“THE END IS NEAR.

TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW

BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.”

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,

“Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don’t need your lectures.”

From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says “Dat’s da terd one dis mornin’.”

“Yaa,” Sean agrees, then adds, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say

“BRIDGE CLOSED”?

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/whoa/

Daily Prompt: Simplicity

Repeating a joke I wrote about in ‘Enduring Threads:’

Angus, my ten years younger brother, amused us regularly. When he said his prayers, instead of saying ‘For Christ’s sake, Amen.’ Angus would say, ‘For Christ’s sake come in!’ As siblings we found this very funny and never corrected him.

Thanks to Michelle W. for the prompt of telling a joke.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/ha-ha-ha/

 

Divorce Vs Murder:

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up

to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I

would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy!

I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the

law? I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All

kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have

any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her

husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t tell

me you had a prescription.”

As I can never remember jokes, i have passed on one that a friend sent recently by e-mail. Hope you enjoy it.

Daily Prompt: Ha, Ha, Ha by Michelle W.

Tell us a joke!  Knock- knock joke, long story with an unexpected punchline, a great zinger– all jokes are welcome.                                                  https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/ha-ha-ha/

 

 

Computer distractions:

The computer came home today after being worked upon lovingly by a kind soul who specialises with Apples. Then getting the jolly modem working again, was tricky, to say the least. Although it will need to go back in about a month for an update, we’re once again in working order.  iPhoto had collapsed!

For all of you cat lovers out there, I’m sharing a photo my daughter put on Facebook, as we share the same quirky sense of humour.  I have no idea who took the photo, so thank you to who ever did take the photo, but one would need a sense of humour to own this cat, don’t you think? Hair parted down the middle too! Does this serious face make you smile? I hope so!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Most of us have heard the saying, “That’s the best thing since sliced bread!” What do you think is actually the best thing since sliced bread?                                                              Thanks for the great idea, crazydotcom!

A HUSBAND WHO LISTENS
He said:
“What can I help you with?

She said:
“Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in the pot

Dedicated to those husbands out there who really try! Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/sliced-bread/

Why women live longer than men:

This e-mail was sent to me and I just thought there were so many amazing photos, I must share it with you:Thank you to all of those unknown photographers, and to all the guys who participated in these daring feats! No wonder women live longer than men. Wishing you a relaxing Sunday!

The Color Thesaurus: Re-blogged

The Color Thesaurus. Having read this post, it reminded me of my mother-in-law, Margaret, who thought she knew everything about colour. In fact she was a very talented lady, but her knowledge was natural instinct. She liked to experiment and in the 1950s, she thought she’d like a feature wall of dark grey. Her patient husband, Eric, tried to advise her that it would be rather dark, but she insisted he paint the wall.

In the morning they came down stairs to what Eric, a sea Captain, said, ‘We’ve got the bloody HMAS Melbourne drawn up alongside!’ From then on it was called Battle Ship Grey. Margaret relented and the wall was repainted a more moderate colour.

Eric, who was a tease, sent Margaret to get the colour for the front door, and told her it was  Wagon Wheel Blue. She had the men in the paint shop diving for cover, as they knew what a pedantic woman she was. She asked for Wagon Wheel Blue, and they said there was no such colour. ‘Oh yes there is, my husband told me!’ Eventually it was discovered that the colour she wanted was Wagon Blue, with a few alterations. She came home furious with Eric, but happy to have the deep blue that she so admired. It did look magnificent on their stable door.

Nicholas C. Rossis:

An awesome resource for all authors!
Originally posted on Ingrid’s Notes:

I love to collect words. Making word lists can help to find the voice of my story, dig into the emotion of a scene, or create variety.

One of my on-going word collections is of colors. I love to stop in the paint section of a hardware store and find new names for red or white or yellow. Having a variety of color names at my fingertips helps me to create specificity in my writing. I can paint a more evocative image in my reader’s mind if I describe a character’s hair as the color of rust or carrot-squash, rather than red.

So for fun, I created this color thesaurus for your reference. Of course, there are plenty more color names in the world, so, this is just to get you started.

Fill your stories with a rainbow of images!

 

Australia Day:

‘Four Worms In Church’

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . .. . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . .. .Alive …
So the Minister asked the congregation,

“What did you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service!

 

Today is International Disturbed People’s Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend…

Just as I’ve done.

“Hang in there sunshine, you’re special…

 

Best Lawyer/ Insurance Story:

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!! – NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THEY’RE NUTS!!