Re-write: ‘Milly, Molly and Mary’

Having received my two manuscripts back from the editor, I quickly did some changes to this children’s story below. I hope you like the changes.

Millie, Molly and Mary Barbara Pyett © 2014

3/4

Millie, Molly and Mary, are three chooks who live at a dairy.

They cluck for some corn, as cows moo with a yawn.

Cats meow in the sun, as dogs bark for fun.

Millie is dainty, her comb is quite painty,

Molly is plump and feels like a frump,

Mary’s feathers are sleek, but she’s rather meek.

5/6

One night, they roost, sound asleep on the Ute,

expecting to be there ‘till morning.

That night Farmer Brown drives into the town.

To his great surprise, his mates soon advise

And point to the chooks on his fender.

No time for a bender, a change of agenda.

Instead, he drives home to Brenda.

7/8

When the cock gives a crow, they belatedly know,

Their night ride can’t hide,

their feathers askew, it had to accrue

to censure their own misadventure.

They hop off the Ute; Farmer Brown gives a hoot,

and concedes the chooks need a feed,

before milking his cows that are waiting by now.

9/10

Next night as they sleep, a slinky fox creeps.

The dog makes a growl; the cat gives a yowl.

Farmer Brown wakes from sleep, leaves his bed with a leap.

Scares the fox from the barn that runs far from the farm.

11/12

Another night, they huddle in fright.

Thunder and light make them want to take flight.

Drumming hail sees them pale as they shake on the bale.

Eggs scarce for a while, warrants no smile.

13/14

The cows moo outside with nowhere to hide.

Cats yowl in the house and hide with the mouse.

Dogs growl in the shed, wait to be fed.

15/16

Peace reins on the farm, hens cluck in the barn,

Lay eggs, one, two and three for farmer Brown’s tea.

They cluck for some corn, as cows moo with a yawn.

Cats meow in the sun as dogs bark for fun.

No longer wary, they visit the dairy.

No longer flappy, they are so happy.

Farmer Brown appears with a smile ear to ear,

his grin doesn’t vary when he spies Millie, Molly and Mary.

 

Whether there will more more changes, who knows? I am now absorbed in ‘Enduring Threads’ and loving having the opportunity of seeing it with fresh eyes. Thanks to Sophia Barnes for her patience and expertise, it was well worth while having a professional editor go through and see the story with a detached perspective.

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “Re-write: ‘Milly, Molly and Mary’

  1. ChristineR

    I’m a bit late commenting on this, Barbara, but I have a dislike for this line…
    ‘Molly is plump and feels like a frump’
    I have no problem with Molly being ‘plump’, but I do with her ‘feeling like a frump’. Seems a very adult value, putting the two words together like that, and it might probe at the reader’s self esteem? Am I being too sensitive?

    I’m pleased you are enjoying your return to ‘Enduring Threads’. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. bkpyett Post author

      Do you really think children will take on the chook’s feelings, or relate it to themselves?
      Can you think of another rhyming word, ‘lump’ for instance isn’t any better!! It hadn’t occurred to me that this might offend a child… shall think about it. Thanks Christine for your sensitivity!
      Yes, it is good to get back to writing… editing, thanks! 🙂

      Like

      Reply
      1. ChristineR

        Well, I think girls as young as 8 could be starting to have issues with body fat. I don’t think it would actually ‘offend’ a child, but it might help reinforce anything they might already be thinking – that plump means frump. Though a plump chicken is desirable for eating!
        Another word? jump, stump, pump, sump, bump, dump, … grump 😮

        Like

  2. M-R

    Only someone with grandchildren could write this: when a mere parent you’re too caught up in what’s happening, and it’s not till you’ve reached that respectable position that you can get stuck into it. And even then, most people can’t !
    You go, girl ! [grin]

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. raroto

    That’s a fun read, Barbara! I enjoyed it very much, puts a smile on my face reading this. Will you be doing the illustrations also? It’d be grand to see Milly Molly and Mary in their colorful feathers. Good luck with the book ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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