Lexophile & Paraprosdokians:

‘Lexophile’ is a word used to describe those that have a love for punning wordplay, such as ‘You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish’, or ‘to write a broken pencil is pointless.’ A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies, (I can’t find this word in the dictionary), is supposedly held every year in an undisclosed location. This year’s winnning submission is posted at the very end.

-When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

-A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

-When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

-The batteries were given free of charge.

-A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

-A will is a dead giveaway.

-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

-A boiled egg is hard to beat.

-When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

-Police were called to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

-Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

-A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

-The guy who fell on to an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

-He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

-When she saw her first strand of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

-Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

-And the cream of the wretched crop:

-Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it is still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agree with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says ,’In case of Emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in the garage makes you a car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.